Things to do in Paris

Because, let's face it, not much has been written on that particular subject area. So here are some suggestions:

1. Drive into Paris from the south, navigate around the ring road, gridlock in motion, where everyone is jammed into formation with one metre following distances, yet moving at 70 miles an hour. Turn into the city, and drive towards Gare du Nord at rush hour to return the rental car, exclaiming every two minutes, "haven't crashed the car yet", and "still haven't crashed".

2. Walk from Gare du Nord, west along Rue Ambroise Pare past the hospital with all the red paint streaks and blotches on the side, to Boulevard de Magenta. Then turn around, and look back down the street to the railway station. Watch the red stripes and splotches take shape as one enormous piece of 3D art.

3. Have a friendly chat with the front desk guy at Tim Hotel in Montmartre, overlooking the square and the cafe, about why exactly it is that we foreigners are so rude that we can't speak fluent French. If you agree, concede and apologise for the behaviour of all foreigners, he may agree to hand over the room key.


4. Stand under the Eiffel Tower. While one of you crouches on the ground with the camera, the other stands above, looking down at the camera, looking cool, looking aloof. Try to imitate the poses that Simon & Garfunkel did on their Sounds of Silence album. A black and white camera might help.



5. Give your feet an authentic sludge bath in the sun-warmed fountains outside Le Louvre. Count the languages. Take photos. Poke your tongue out at the camera.